


we have lived all of history and entered the butterfly garden (and you have made a craigslist purchase)

by oscarisaac



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Getting Together, M/M, crowley's statue, you know which statue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-24 07:41:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19168798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oscarisaac/pseuds/oscarisaac
Summary: conversations around Crowley's statue





	we have lived all of history and entered the butterfly garden (and you have made a craigslist purchase)

**Author's Note:**

> please don't take me seriously but also I've never been more serious in this life and if you call it "crackfic" I WILL smite you

10 years ago

 

Aziraphale entered Crowley’s apartment with the look of someone who’s stepping into a fascinating butterfly garden.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been here,” he said with a vague smile as his eyes roamed all around the place. “You--oh. Well, you didn’t have that statue last time.”

Crowley, who had preceded him into the apartment, twirled around with his arms open. “You like it?” he asked. “I bought it on Craigslist. It’s made of non-recyclable material _and_ I made sure the artist used my money to found his roadtrip around the States where he’s planning to… well, I didn’t really get it, but I think he has a plastic cup collection and he only collects them from roadsides or something. Sounded more evil when he said it.”

Aziraphale folded his hands. “Crowley, dear, that sounds like he’s trying to clean the roads from the plastic cups that people threw away.”

“ _Oh_!” Crowley exclaimed, suddenly enlightened by Aziraphale’s words. “Yeah, that makes more sense. We’ll just say you bought it, then.”

Aziraphale blinked quickly, slightly taken aback by the suddenness of Crowley’s solution. “Yes, yes of course.” He turned his attention to the statue once again and pondered it for a moment. “So is it supposed to represent something?”

“Yeah, duh, it’s two men having sex.”

Aziraphale opened his mouth, closed it again, then finally spoke. “And--and _why_ did you think it was a good idea--or, rather, a bad idea to buy a statue of two men fucking?”

“Well, I--I don’t know,” Crowley said with an undignified sound he would have called _words_. “But it doesn’t do well in your circles, so.”

“Crowley, you _know_ Sodom was a big whole… misunderstanding, right?”

“Yeah. I was there.”

Aziraphale gave him a surprised look. “Odd. I didn’t see you.”

“Wait, _you_ got to be in Sodom and I _didn’t_?”

“So you weren’t in Sodom.”  
“Alright, I lied, I wasn’t there. I can’t believe you got to see all the action and I missed it. Where _was_ I?”

“Crowley…” Aziraphale said, tactful. “Are you a virgin?”

“No, _obviously_. Earth was created in a week. We’re all Libras.”

“I said virgin, dear, not Virgo. I know you heard me. Are you?”

“Oh for the love of _hell_ , fine, yes, you got me. I bought this statue for educational purposes.”

Aziraphale, who had gone back to looking at the statue, now completely turned around to look at Crowley. “For educational what?”

“You heard _me_ , angel.”

“But--but why didn’t you just watch porn? This seems like a rather… intricate ritual.”

Crowley stared at him like he’d suddenly grown another head, or announced he’d done some soul-searching and realized he was straight after all. “They don’t have people with _wings_ in porn! How am I supposed to know where to put them?”

Aziraphale frowned. “You could have just asked me.”

“ _You’ve had sex_?”

“I have had… encounters, yes.”

“ _You’ve encountered other people_?” Crowley shrieked, increasingly upset.

Aziraphale put his hands on his hips and gave him a pointed look. “And what is _that_ supposed to mean?”

At that question, Crowley turned around with his arms crossed. “Well.”

“Are you going to say something else?”

“No. You’ve offended me enough.”

“Well!”

“ _Well!_ ”

Aziraphale deflated. “I will… see you around, then.”

  


Now

 

Aziraphale entered Crowley’s apartment with the look of someone who’s stepping into a fascinating butterfly garden toward the end of a promising date.

“I see you still have your statue.”

Crowley shook his head. “Oh, yeah. It really is an awful piece, isn’t it?”

“Was it… educational, then?” Aziraphale asked, suddenly in need to make polite small talk.

“ _Eh_ ,” Crowley proclaimed dramatically. “It’s a bit… _still_ , for that.” He shot a glance at Aziraphale. “But now that… we have our own side, we could… make it move.”

Aziraphale was confused. “Do you want me to perform a miracle to make it move? Sort of like… what are those things you showed me… a gif?”

“No!” Crowley said, exasperated. “I don’t want you to--”

“Do you want us to have sex?”

“Yes.”

“Then shut the fuck up and kiss me.”

 

 

Later

 

“Wow,” Crowley said. “It didn't work like the statue.”

“No,” Aziraphale said. “Way more feathers flying around.”

"Horribly misinformative, then. I’ll have to leave a zero star review."

 

  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you gentle reader for reading my humble work. If you would be so kind to leave a comment, it would be greatly appreciated.


End file.
